i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
