Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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