By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
