i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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