I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day