Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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