there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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