You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
