Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
