I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
