So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
