I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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