in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
