I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
