Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
