i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
