she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
