we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
