Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
