for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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