There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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