the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
