Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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