It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize