I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
