sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
