A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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