there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
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I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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