mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
PANTIES FOUND
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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