I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
