Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
