Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
