Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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