Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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