she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Two words: blizzard sex
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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