I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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