my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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