your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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