Taylor Swift is so right about you.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
