You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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