You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
