I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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