I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's official drugs can't kill me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
