OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
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Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He has the fingertips of a God
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