allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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