And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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