No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
