Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Holy shit dude........stairs
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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