I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
