I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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