i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Never underestimate the power of titties
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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