I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
