Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
