TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
