Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
